It's mine and I'll do what I want with it!

As I have been in constant pursuit of biblical truth, in order to plant my feet on a solid foundation, a lot of light has been shed on lies in my life that I have believed. God has one by one revealed and healed.

In youth I have asked the girls to journal along with myself and the other leaders, making sure to document lies revealed as well as the truth that counter acts those lies.

Today a huge lie was brought to light. For a while now our pastor has been addressing stewardship and all that it entails. And until today I would have said hands down that I am a good steward. I always am very diligent to care for others stuff. Today I realized that when it comes to my stuff I have a different attitude. “It’s MY stuff and I will do what I WANT with MY stuff!” It’s my money, it’s my body, they’re my kids, it’s my house, my time….mine mine mine!

Wrong………

None of it’s mine. It all belongs to God. The question isn’t am I good with other peoples stuff? It’s am I responsible with God’s stuff or do I abuse it because I have this sense of entitlement to do as I wish with the things that are in my possession? Instead of allowing the thoughts of “it’s my stuff” dictate my actions, I need to change my thinking to, “it’s my responsibility”. It’s my responsibility to take care of these things in a way that is pleasing to God.

In order to combat this lie I have to attack it with truth.

The earth is the Lords and everything in it. The world and all it’s people belong to Him.
Psalm 24:1 (nlt)

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19&20 (nlt)

A Shift of Focus

My focus has changed. No more looking super hard at each individual problem in my life and trying to find the magic formula that will change them all and make them disappear. I have set my eyes on God.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
Matthew 6:33

With a new focus comes a new perspective. I keep my eyes on Him and all else fits. Things are hard still. Not everything is perfect, don't expect it to be. But it's worlds better than the way I handled things before. I now operate change in my life under His grace, His Truth, His love.

The Shack

While there is much controversy surrounding the recently popular book. I have decided to research this for myself. Most people I have talked to loooooooooove this book very few have had anything negative to say. In my search for truth behind this book, whether or not it would be healthy for me to read, I came across a blog by Tim Challies who has done his homework. He read the book and compared it to biblical truths. Something i think is necessary when exposing ourselves to a book of this nature. Although the book is classified as fiction there are many who have claimed their life and relationship with God is now different and made for the better. This concerns me. If the book is not speaking biblical based truth and it is changing Christians. I want to know why?? And could we possibly end up with a twisted view of the truth?


I have not read this book all the way through. And I don't plan to, therefore you will have to discern for yourselves whether or not you should read it and if you do decide to read it. You will have to discern truth from good story telling.





Second, we must also realize that, because of the emotional impact of reading good fiction, it can be easy to allow it to become manipulative and to allow the emotion of a moment to bypass our ability to discern what is true and what is not. This is another thing the reader must keep in mind. We cannot trust our laughter or our tears but must allow our powers of discernment to be trained to distinguish good from evil (see Hebrews 5:14). Discernment is primarily a Spirit-empowered discipline of the mind rather than an emotional response. -Tim Challies


Do I think that everyone who reads this book will end up with a new founded unbiblical view of God? No. Do I think that it was the authors intent to do anything but good? No. Do I think that an unguarded heart looking for answers outside of God's word can be harmful? Yes. And therefore i implore you to choose carefully the books you read, the people you listen to and the movies you watch and research them in depth. I do believe that some good can be found in this book but why find it in this book where so many other things can flood in with the good??

Before I end this post, I want to say that I do not pass any judgement against the author or those who choose to read it and love it. This is just my stand on the book and an encouragement to look a little deeper into what we allow into our minds.


*also a small note to the side. I did not completely agree full heartedly with all of what Tim Challies said in his review. Mainly the part on forgiveness I did not agree with.

Day 5

OK so i have to confess, this whole lesson on beauty is the most annoying thing to happen to my life since the lesson on patience. Which i am sure i will be revisiting on a regular basis.

Anyways yesterday i already gave in on the whole not eating fast food thing. Which made me angry and then I felt guilty. I watched myself spiral downward into feeling like a total failure. i know that i should allow myself more grace then that. Especially while I'm in the process of learning. I mean i would never punish my child for pronouncing words wrong while trying to learn to read. So why must i torment myself while trying to learn to appreciate my beauty....
It's that fine line between grace and making excuses for your behavior, punishing yourself and humble repentance.........

I read this book by Angela Thomas " Do you think I'm beautiful" and while it's an amazing book i have taken nothing away from it. I have learned that i am a surface reader. I read the words, I understand the words but i never let them fully penetrate my heart. i get emotional and tears fall down my face as i read the sentences and the possibilities that they hold for me but i quickly shut it all down. I ignore those feelings wipe the tears away thinking they produce weakness. All the while forgetting

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

I have recently gone back through the book and read a few chapters that have stood out to me determined to allow every word to sink in a wash out the stink. The first chapter was "Whispers of unbelief" Mine aren't whispers of unbelief it's more like screaming. But I'm sure it started out as whispers. But one thing that she said that stood out to me, that i actually allowed to sink in was this:

" We look into the mirror with our eyes. That is the problem. God does not see as we see. He never has. And we try to rationalize that he thinks and acts like us, but he does not. He is God."

It's such simple truth but so easily forgotten. God's eyes are filled with love, grace, compassion. His heart is for us.......for me.....yes for me.......he longs for intimacy with me. He finds me beautiful. As awkward and ugly as i feel some days He, the creator of all the universe, the one who has seen it all, finds me beautiful. I have never even come close to experiencing this from someone. I can't even begin to imagine the depths of His love for me..........I still doubt.........

"Why do we have such a hard time believing that God would look at an ordinary or disfigured woman, call her beautiful, and long for intimacy with her?"

"We struggle with unbelief because we insist on humanizing God. We have resolved that God must think and process the same ways we do. Essentially we have decided that God is not able, when in fact we are the ones who are not"

I'm just gonna meditate on this, praying for revelation.

Compassion

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Day 3

It's day 3 and i have been working on my "issues" OK let me start by explaining exactly what i am talking about. My insecurities have been growing since i was a little girl. I have constantly fought against what i was told and what i knew to be true. It's the whole " if you say it enough times about me it must be true" I never felt i was good enough.....for anything..... Cause no matter how hard i tried it was never good enough. So i stopped trying. It was too painful to try to succeed and KNOW that i never would. If i got 10 A's in school and a " C" the "C" was questioned. Why did i get the "C"??? I could never give an answer as i had done everything to try to get that "A" ugh as i write this i still feel like crying and that was over ten years ago. But it was things like that, that were said not once or twice but over and over again, year after year. The one thing i was always secure in was my sense of humor and knowing how to laugh and enjoy things that most never saw to be funny. (i learned this from my mom) It was one of the only things i had that i truly loved about myself. But then i got married.... to someone who hated my sense of humor and made me feel stupid for the things i found funny. This started new confusion and frustration. Everything that i was felt worthless. It was a lie and i know that now. But it's still rooted deeply in my heart. Affecting everything i touch. One of my biggest struggles is my weight. I don't feel I deserve to look any different. I feel as though it's vanity and i scold myself for wanted a slimmer figure. Forget the fact that i would hate it if lost weight and guys started taking interest.

OK so there is a small glimpse into the struggle i have been recently facing. My inward beauty and my outward beauty are demanding to be healed and restored back to what God had originally planned for me before the lies covered the truth. I am excited as this has been a long time coming but i know the path i have to take will be painful revealing more scars yet.

OK so back to where i started, it's day 3 and so far so good. I talked to this lady who was a smoker for 13 years and quit. She went on to explain that she would buy herself a new shirt instead of a pack of cigarettes, over time she felt better about herself and she had no desire to smoke anymore. She eventually bought herself a car and the car payment took over the money she used to spend on cigarettes every month. So now every time she wants to smoke she looks at her car and it's a constant reminder of how far she's come.

So i have done the same thing. Instead of fast food I have sponsored a compassion child. Her name is grace, she is 4 years old and lives in Ghana. Sponsoring grace has affected both myself and my girls. They pray for her every night and they are now more careful about what they ask for knowing that the more money we save the more kids we can sponsor. They know we are not eating fast food for 2 reasons. 1 because it's more money for kids in other countries and 2 because it's not healthy and our bodies really belong to God and we need to take care of them the best we can. I'm not able to go out and buy myself a whole bunch of really cute clothes with the money i save. Not yet anyways. I am sure that someday i will feel it's OK for me to do that but until then this will do. I am walking out what i know to be true. The fast food is one step, who knows i just might go crazy and start exercising!

My journey starts now

So lately I have come to realize I have issues. And that's not to say that i never thought i did. It's just that recently those issues have surfaced and are demanding to be dealt with. To no longer be shoved under the rug where they constantly pollute the woman i was meant to be. Out of site out of mind and damaging me beyond belief. The problem is i feel like i have no idea where to start. I can see the million miles in front of me that must be walked out. The road is filled with pot holes, distractions and large mountains. The exciting news is that at the end of the road is an amazing promise that is meant just for me. I have caught glimpses of this promise through out these past 2 years however i still have not come to grasp a full understanding that this can be mine free of guilt and shame. That i no longer have to punish myself when God has already said you are forgiven and a new creation in me.... Why can't I get this!! I find myself getting so frustrated. It reminds me of Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what i do. For what I want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do." I know what the bible says, I know those promises are mine, i know these things, but i do not KNOW them.

I recently confessed all of this to an amazing woman of God who has grasped this. She is a mighty warrior holding tight to all that God has called her to regardless of how she's feeling at that moment. She has made sure to tell me she still struggles and life happens to her too but she an inspiration to me. She makes acceptance of God's promises seem possible.

With the holy spirit, the prayer of those who i have shared my story with, and her wonderfully practical advise I plan to walk out these promises here on my blog. All the pain, frustration, real every day emotion that comes with letting God fix the broken hearted displayed for all to see. I have been really good at hidding everything from everyone including myself. I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to shed some light of the truth into the dark areas of my life and begin to walk this out daily one small step at a time, the whole time being guided by God and the people he has set around me to be a witness. There's accountability and support in sharing your walk with fellow believers. This will not be easy as i hate being vunerable and seen as weak (can we say prideful!!) But i believe this is going to affect all areas of my life as i begin to allow God in the areas i have kept him out of for so long. The way i run a ministry, the way i speak to others, the way i view myself, my personal beauty inside and out, the example i set before my kids will all be for the better.

I know that i am not the only one who struggles with this and my prayer is that as i make these steps and draw closer to God that other women would someday consider my story an inspiration and know that the ever loving heart of God is not only meant for them but possible for them to recieve. Well here goes!!! My journey starts now.