Day 5

OK so i have to confess, this whole lesson on beauty is the most annoying thing to happen to my life since the lesson on patience. Which i am sure i will be revisiting on a regular basis.

Anyways yesterday i already gave in on the whole not eating fast food thing. Which made me angry and then I felt guilty. I watched myself spiral downward into feeling like a total failure. i know that i should allow myself more grace then that. Especially while I'm in the process of learning. I mean i would never punish my child for pronouncing words wrong while trying to learn to read. So why must i torment myself while trying to learn to appreciate my beauty....
It's that fine line between grace and making excuses for your behavior, punishing yourself and humble repentance.........

I read this book by Angela Thomas " Do you think I'm beautiful" and while it's an amazing book i have taken nothing away from it. I have learned that i am a surface reader. I read the words, I understand the words but i never let them fully penetrate my heart. i get emotional and tears fall down my face as i read the sentences and the possibilities that they hold for me but i quickly shut it all down. I ignore those feelings wipe the tears away thinking they produce weakness. All the while forgetting

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

I have recently gone back through the book and read a few chapters that have stood out to me determined to allow every word to sink in a wash out the stink. The first chapter was "Whispers of unbelief" Mine aren't whispers of unbelief it's more like screaming. But I'm sure it started out as whispers. But one thing that she said that stood out to me, that i actually allowed to sink in was this:

" We look into the mirror with our eyes. That is the problem. God does not see as we see. He never has. And we try to rationalize that he thinks and acts like us, but he does not. He is God."

It's such simple truth but so easily forgotten. God's eyes are filled with love, grace, compassion. His heart is for us.......for me.....yes for me.......he longs for intimacy with me. He finds me beautiful. As awkward and ugly as i feel some days He, the creator of all the universe, the one who has seen it all, finds me beautiful. I have never even come close to experiencing this from someone. I can't even begin to imagine the depths of His love for me..........I still doubt.........

"Why do we have such a hard time believing that God would look at an ordinary or disfigured woman, call her beautiful, and long for intimacy with her?"

"We struggle with unbelief because we insist on humanizing God. We have resolved that God must think and process the same ways we do. Essentially we have decided that God is not able, when in fact we are the ones who are not"

I'm just gonna meditate on this, praying for revelation.

Compassion

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Day 3

It's day 3 and i have been working on my "issues" OK let me start by explaining exactly what i am talking about. My insecurities have been growing since i was a little girl. I have constantly fought against what i was told and what i knew to be true. It's the whole " if you say it enough times about me it must be true" I never felt i was good enough.....for anything..... Cause no matter how hard i tried it was never good enough. So i stopped trying. It was too painful to try to succeed and KNOW that i never would. If i got 10 A's in school and a " C" the "C" was questioned. Why did i get the "C"??? I could never give an answer as i had done everything to try to get that "A" ugh as i write this i still feel like crying and that was over ten years ago. But it was things like that, that were said not once or twice but over and over again, year after year. The one thing i was always secure in was my sense of humor and knowing how to laugh and enjoy things that most never saw to be funny. (i learned this from my mom) It was one of the only things i had that i truly loved about myself. But then i got married.... to someone who hated my sense of humor and made me feel stupid for the things i found funny. This started new confusion and frustration. Everything that i was felt worthless. It was a lie and i know that now. But it's still rooted deeply in my heart. Affecting everything i touch. One of my biggest struggles is my weight. I don't feel I deserve to look any different. I feel as though it's vanity and i scold myself for wanted a slimmer figure. Forget the fact that i would hate it if lost weight and guys started taking interest.

OK so there is a small glimpse into the struggle i have been recently facing. My inward beauty and my outward beauty are demanding to be healed and restored back to what God had originally planned for me before the lies covered the truth. I am excited as this has been a long time coming but i know the path i have to take will be painful revealing more scars yet.

OK so back to where i started, it's day 3 and so far so good. I talked to this lady who was a smoker for 13 years and quit. She went on to explain that she would buy herself a new shirt instead of a pack of cigarettes, over time she felt better about herself and she had no desire to smoke anymore. She eventually bought herself a car and the car payment took over the money she used to spend on cigarettes every month. So now every time she wants to smoke she looks at her car and it's a constant reminder of how far she's come.

So i have done the same thing. Instead of fast food I have sponsored a compassion child. Her name is grace, she is 4 years old and lives in Ghana. Sponsoring grace has affected both myself and my girls. They pray for her every night and they are now more careful about what they ask for knowing that the more money we save the more kids we can sponsor. They know we are not eating fast food for 2 reasons. 1 because it's more money for kids in other countries and 2 because it's not healthy and our bodies really belong to God and we need to take care of them the best we can. I'm not able to go out and buy myself a whole bunch of really cute clothes with the money i save. Not yet anyways. I am sure that someday i will feel it's OK for me to do that but until then this will do. I am walking out what i know to be true. The fast food is one step, who knows i just might go crazy and start exercising!

My journey starts now

So lately I have come to realize I have issues. And that's not to say that i never thought i did. It's just that recently those issues have surfaced and are demanding to be dealt with. To no longer be shoved under the rug where they constantly pollute the woman i was meant to be. Out of site out of mind and damaging me beyond belief. The problem is i feel like i have no idea where to start. I can see the million miles in front of me that must be walked out. The road is filled with pot holes, distractions and large mountains. The exciting news is that at the end of the road is an amazing promise that is meant just for me. I have caught glimpses of this promise through out these past 2 years however i still have not come to grasp a full understanding that this can be mine free of guilt and shame. That i no longer have to punish myself when God has already said you are forgiven and a new creation in me.... Why can't I get this!! I find myself getting so frustrated. It reminds me of Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what i do. For what I want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do." I know what the bible says, I know those promises are mine, i know these things, but i do not KNOW them.

I recently confessed all of this to an amazing woman of God who has grasped this. She is a mighty warrior holding tight to all that God has called her to regardless of how she's feeling at that moment. She has made sure to tell me she still struggles and life happens to her too but she an inspiration to me. She makes acceptance of God's promises seem possible.

With the holy spirit, the prayer of those who i have shared my story with, and her wonderfully practical advise I plan to walk out these promises here on my blog. All the pain, frustration, real every day emotion that comes with letting God fix the broken hearted displayed for all to see. I have been really good at hidding everything from everyone including myself. I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to shed some light of the truth into the dark areas of my life and begin to walk this out daily one small step at a time, the whole time being guided by God and the people he has set around me to be a witness. There's accountability and support in sharing your walk with fellow believers. This will not be easy as i hate being vunerable and seen as weak (can we say prideful!!) But i believe this is going to affect all areas of my life as i begin to allow God in the areas i have kept him out of for so long. The way i run a ministry, the way i speak to others, the way i view myself, my personal beauty inside and out, the example i set before my kids will all be for the better.

I know that i am not the only one who struggles with this and my prayer is that as i make these steps and draw closer to God that other women would someday consider my story an inspiration and know that the ever loving heart of God is not only meant for them but possible for them to recieve. Well here goes!!! My journey starts now.

Longings of the Heart

Longings of the heart
Secret
Seeking to be known
Yearning to be found, to be heard, understood, validated
passion hides behind the wall of the heart
gasping for air searching for light
lost
fear arises
a mask worn to fool the world
safety with cost
undue sacrifice
silent suffering
deceit....
scars deepen
confusion, chaos
emotions rise
cut open
broken inside
healing lost behind shame
guilt
pain
Longings of the heart made to be set free

My mom

I just had to blog about my mom. Most of you know and love her. But she really truly does have to be one of the coolest women i know. Something about her makes me giddy excited when she comes around. I know i am about to have a good laugh and a great time when she's there.

Yesterday she came into the thrift store and usually Thursday and Fridays are my suck days cause the end of the week is here and i am now exhausted. But anyways she came into the store to bring me some fruit snacks for the girls.. She made to sure to tell me twice that they were for the girls ONLY. She had gone to the store and bought me a colander and the coolest metal salad bowl i had ever seen. It was so cool. Everyone thought it must be my birthday. Nope it's just another day and my mom loves me. She then pulls a roll of breath savers out of her pocket and lets me know that since i can't eat the fruit snacks she bought me those.... (is that a hint mom??!!) She just thought it would be funny to see the look on my face, she got me licorice too! (licorice looks so much better after receiving a roll of breath mints)
By the time she left i was on an emotional high.She made my day.

Let me tell you why she is so special......

Besides the gift thing, which she does all the time by the way, she taught me it's ok to laugh when i fall or make a mistake, everyone else is anyways might as well join them. She taught me kindness and sensitivity, she taught me to follow what was right no matter how i felt or what other people were doing. She taught me to find joy in ugly situations and that i am in charge of how i feel about things. My attitude my choice. She is a quiet listener and doesn't give too much advise but she hears and empathizes with every word. She is genuine, honest, caring, thoughtful and CRAZY!! Life is never dull or boring when she is around. She makes trips to the doctors office the most fun i have ever had. I have never giggled harder than i have with her, i have never smiled as often as i do with her, i have never felt so safe, loved and at home as i do with her. God has blessed me with an amazing mom and i am so grateful to her for the woman that she has helped me become.