Day 3

It's day 3 and i have been working on my "issues" OK let me start by explaining exactly what i am talking about. My insecurities have been growing since i was a little girl. I have constantly fought against what i was told and what i knew to be true. It's the whole " if you say it enough times about me it must be true" I never felt i was good enough.....for anything..... Cause no matter how hard i tried it was never good enough. So i stopped trying. It was too painful to try to succeed and KNOW that i never would. If i got 10 A's in school and a " C" the "C" was questioned. Why did i get the "C"??? I could never give an answer as i had done everything to try to get that "A" ugh as i write this i still feel like crying and that was over ten years ago. But it was things like that, that were said not once or twice but over and over again, year after year. The one thing i was always secure in was my sense of humor and knowing how to laugh and enjoy things that most never saw to be funny. (i learned this from my mom) It was one of the only things i had that i truly loved about myself. But then i got married.... to someone who hated my sense of humor and made me feel stupid for the things i found funny. This started new confusion and frustration. Everything that i was felt worthless. It was a lie and i know that now. But it's still rooted deeply in my heart. Affecting everything i touch. One of my biggest struggles is my weight. I don't feel I deserve to look any different. I feel as though it's vanity and i scold myself for wanted a slimmer figure. Forget the fact that i would hate it if lost weight and guys started taking interest.

OK so there is a small glimpse into the struggle i have been recently facing. My inward beauty and my outward beauty are demanding to be healed and restored back to what God had originally planned for me before the lies covered the truth. I am excited as this has been a long time coming but i know the path i have to take will be painful revealing more scars yet.

OK so back to where i started, it's day 3 and so far so good. I talked to this lady who was a smoker for 13 years and quit. She went on to explain that she would buy herself a new shirt instead of a pack of cigarettes, over time she felt better about herself and she had no desire to smoke anymore. She eventually bought herself a car and the car payment took over the money she used to spend on cigarettes every month. So now every time she wants to smoke she looks at her car and it's a constant reminder of how far she's come.

So i have done the same thing. Instead of fast food I have sponsored a compassion child. Her name is grace, she is 4 years old and lives in Ghana. Sponsoring grace has affected both myself and my girls. They pray for her every night and they are now more careful about what they ask for knowing that the more money we save the more kids we can sponsor. They know we are not eating fast food for 2 reasons. 1 because it's more money for kids in other countries and 2 because it's not healthy and our bodies really belong to God and we need to take care of them the best we can. I'm not able to go out and buy myself a whole bunch of really cute clothes with the money i save. Not yet anyways. I am sure that someday i will feel it's OK for me to do that but until then this will do. I am walking out what i know to be true. The fast food is one step, who knows i just might go crazy and start exercising!