Time to switch it up

So far this blog has been pretty serious. Diving into the side of my mind that most people don't get to experience. Too bad that side can often be heavy and deep. I'm a thinker it's what I do. I feel energized when I'm alone. This is how I recharge. I take time think about things and possibly think things to death sometimes. I get drained with too much activity, too many people too often. Don't get me wrong I looooooooove the people in my life, but it's the time alone that allows me think and process and refuel for the next day. Unfortunately I can become very serious when left to myself for too long. This is when I stress and become easily annoyed. I need a perfect balance of people and time alone. This is where I am most myself and most at ease.

This Christmas Eve I stayed the night at my parents house. Wasn't really planning on doing that but it was decided it would be more fun this way. Fun to me sounded like work. I had to pack, I had to get a thousand Christmas presents in the car, I needed to clean my house, and I was tired. Fun was sounding pretty lame to me. I find the more isolated I am the more I start to think this way.......

Instead of going to the Christmas Eve service at church I slept. I was beat. Nothing could motivate me as I had let my mind talk me out of anything remotely fun. That night and the next day was the most fun I have had in months. Once I stopped over analyzing everything around me I enjoyed the crap out of myself. I didn't even go home Christmas night I didn't want to leave my family and the fun I was having.

This was a turning point when I began to realize I stopped looking for fun and enjoyment in life. Not cool.

Anyways the whole point of this short turned long blog was to inform that every Friday I will post something fun, something to laugh at and enjoy so every Friday take a few minutes to breath and enjoy what I have posted.

Silence

It's in the moments of silence that I begin to wonder if God is still there. Does He still care? Doubt rushing in, fear that my relationship with Him is slipping. Maybe if I read more He wouldn't be so silent. Maybe if I prayed more His voice would meet my ears. Maybe if I would serve more I would be given the honor of hearing His voice.

But I have come to realize it's in these moments that He is working more than ever in my life. He is stretching me, breaking me, renewing me, building me. It's in these moments of silence that I have learned to persue my God harder. To search deeper. To run after Him with my whole heart.

I have learned to accept theses times of silence with my hope in what I know to be true. That He will never leave me nor forsake me. That He will continue His work in me until it is complete.

The silence He gives is a gift for my soul.God is taking me deeper, swallowing me whole.

May my heart never cease to break

My heart has been in a continual state of brokenness. I never want it to change.

In the last 2 years God has brought people into my life that I had never paid much attention to before. At times I did what I could to help but they were in no way a front runner of my priorities. I didn't have a heart for them, I loved them, I guess. I never thought for once that I would hurt for them, cry for them, and pray for them as passionately as I do today.

God I pray that my heart never cease to break for the lost, hurting and confused. God hear my cry and my heart, use me for your glory. May your kingdom increase as your people fight for those who have been taken captive. May we never let go of your promise and your call on our lives. May we love like you love. God, words cannot express the pains of my heart, show me how to reach the lost. Your love never ceases to amaze me. Use me God, use me!

Let me ask you a question.....

Dan
Cameron
Kentucky
California
Tammy
Jose
Joseph
Jerry
Guy
Jeremiah
Curly
Allen
Dave
Effron
Randle
Amanda
Van
Jay
Nathan
Deb

Let me ask you, do you know the names of those in need in your city?
Would you walk, laugh, cry, and pray with them?
Would you see the beauty they hold inside?
Or would the dirt and the smell of hard liquor turn you away?
Are they on your heart and in your prayers?
Have you asked God if you are called to minister to them?
If He said yes would you go?
Have you felt the tug on your heart to reach out and ignored it?
Do you see them the way God see's them?
Let me ask you, do you love them the way you love yourself?

Everyone of these names belong to person God wants to have a relationship with. Some of them already know and love God.

I want to talk about a beautiful woman that we have met on several occasions. Her name is Tammy. She has lived on the streets for several years. Her sister, parents and husband have all died. She is an alcoholic and even though she is ashamed of this fact she will not hide it from you. She hates that she is homeless and she hates her addiction even more. She is in LOVE with Jesus! She carries her bible in a purse she keep close to her chest. "I keep my bible close to my heart" She reads nightly along with her friends Dan, and Kentucky. She is amazingly beautiful and full of faith. In spite of the life she lives she puts her hope in eternity with Jesus. Today she hugged me and cried, I hugged her tighter and reminded her that God has not given up on her and that through him her addiction can be healed.

Do you think that maybe, just maybe I will get to worship God for all eternity in heaven with this woman? I do.

Let me ask you, do you know the names of those in need in your city?
Would you walk, laugh, cry, and pray with them?
Would you see the beauty they hold inside?
Or would the dirt and the smell of hard liquor turn you away?
Are they on your heart and in your prayers?
Have you asked God if you are called to minister to them?
If He said yes would you go?
Have you felt the tug on your heart to reach out and ignored it?
Do you see them the way God see's them?
Let me ask you, do you love them the way you love yourself?

Visit our website to learn more about the ministry and how you can get involved.

http://s1.webstarts.com/PaperBagMinistries/index.html

Words

Words are powerful. I know I am not the first one to make this statement nor the last. Words are powerful.

Today I watched a usually vibrant, talkative, outgoing woman reduced to an insecure, hurt, confused, woman with no voice. As I walked up to her I noticed her body language had shifted from open and warm, to withdrawn. She didn't notice me as she usually did, she didn't look up at me until I had reached her counter. When I said hi, in a cheery voice excited to see her working, I was met with eyes that were full of pain. Redness now covered the once radiant beautiful blue eyes and she barely choked out a hello. When I asked how she was doing she told me she was fine as her voice broke and she tried to keep the tears from her eyes. After a few moments she quietly told me that she had been told she's too talkative and that people don't like that. She needs to stop interacting so much with her customers and remain professional. As she spoke she looked at me with confusion on her face as she asked "Does it bother you when I talk to you?" My heart hurt for to watch this transformation of a woman going from full of life to an empty shell. It wasn't that she was corrected. She can handle this. It was that the very essence of who she was, was no longer acceptable.

Lord I pray that in correction we can also be encouraged. That when giving correction to others we don't tear down the very person that they are. God I pray for a discerning heart. To know who we are and what you say about us. I pray that we learn whatever lessons you have for us in the midst of hurtful words. Above all I pray we never forget the grace and love that you pour over us every single day covering the mistakes we make.

Why so serious?

Why so serious? I have found myself asking this question. Why so serious? Does being serious equal maturity? Does it make everything all better and the problems disappear? Do I accomplish more? Are my kids happier? Am I happier?

Nope.

A big fat Nope.

I am a goof by nature. I used to want to marry Johnny Bravo. I collected surge wrappers and had a huge ABC gum collection. I would race my mom to the bathroom not cause I had to go but because she did. I would giggle like a little girl til I felt like crying. I still love cartoons. Sponge Bob makes me bust a gut. I cross my eyes and stick out my tongue just because. Ask me to tell you a secret and I will burp in your ear. I dance in my living room at the end of a great movie. I wrestle my brother for whatever it is he has in his hands that I wanted. I get giddy when it's close to Christmas (like starting in September) I love it when my mom rubs my hair still to this day.

Yet I have lost site of all this. I feel that if I act this way judgment would come flying quickly behind it. And yes while there is a time and place for everything I forget that there is a time and place to be fun, quirky, goofy, giddy. To not loose site of the crazy girl that I am and what I love so much about myself.

I'm not a serious person. I've become one. And I'm miserable... Completely miserable. I allow myself to feel guilty for having fun and acting in a way that I feel others would call immature.

But check it. My kids love that side of me. They need to see me laugh and let loose. I don't do it enough and they are now the ones who have become serious. My kids are mini me's and that is a miserably serious person who has forgot that full life includes fun. I can be mature, responsible and a good mom at the same time goofy. So look out people Tiffani got her groove back!

My Everything

I dance beneath the romance you pour over me
Lost in your love I find peace
I was made for these arms
Your eyes, your heart
I can hardly breath as
I bath myself in your love
I'm in love with all you are
Amazed I would find not a prince but a King
A King who would choose me
To live with Him for all of eternity
Never once have you left me alone
Every tear captured
The joy in my heart
The smile on my face
Is found in the intimacy of your grace
My heart beats stronger when I hear your voice
My love last longer when caught in your embrace
I love you my King
My love
My everything.

Faith it's easy right?? Right??

Faith....Faith is not complicated. Faith is easy for the smallest of children and each and every one of us live daily in faith. Faith that when I set my alarm it will wake me up at the time I set it for. Faith that when I get into my car I will end up where I set out to go. We daily put our faith in things, science, people, money, nature, food, building structures. Like I said faith is easy.

Faith can also be the most complicated thing in the whole world when partnered by fear. The "what if's" in life.
What if that wasn't what God called me to do? What if I make a mistake and fail.......What if I jump and you don't catch me? What if it's too hard and I quit? Faith stops dead when these questions begin.
Does that mean we foolishly jump at every whim to do something?
no.
But standing still afraid to walk a path without knowing every twist and turn, without knowing the end result will stop us from being able to do what God has called us to do.
Being afraid that it will be hard, uncomfortable, and scary are not reasons to say no. I have once heard it said.

"we need to learn to lean on God's understanding and not our reality"

I personally have faith that God creating the whole universe is truth in it's purest form.
I have faith in God just not in me......

Correction. I don't have faith in God in me.

I am constantly afraid that I am not doing what God wants. I won't make a move because I am afraid I will make a mistake and fail. That somehow God didn't already know my short comings.

That's when He told me.

"You are making mistakes and failing every day that I ask you to do something and you don't do it. And the reason you're ok with these mistakes is because no one knows about them and it's easy for you to ignore them."

Ouch.......

God always speaks directly to my heart in a way that changes me forever...........I always had a picture vision of how I see faith. I am on a tall building and below me is thick fog so deep i can't see more than a foot below me and I am supposed to jump. What i don't see beyond that fog is God's lovingly strong arms streched up to catch me and it isn't until I jump that I get to experience His embrace.

So I did it. I jumped out in faith and God caught me. It's scary, it's hard, it's uncomfortable, and it's one of the most beautiful, awesome, crazy, peaceful and joyful things that has ever happened to me. I'm headed towards alot of blind spots with the God who see's it all and will be the light to my feet.

It's mine and I'll do what I want with it!

As I have been in constant pursuit of biblical truth, in order to plant my feet on a solid foundation, a lot of light has been shed on lies in my life that I have believed. God has one by one revealed and healed.

In youth I have asked the girls to journal along with myself and the other leaders, making sure to document lies revealed as well as the truth that counter acts those lies.

Today a huge lie was brought to light. For a while now our pastor has been addressing stewardship and all that it entails. And until today I would have said hands down that I am a good steward. I always am very diligent to care for others stuff. Today I realized that when it comes to my stuff I have a different attitude. “It’s MY stuff and I will do what I WANT with MY stuff!” It’s my money, it’s my body, they’re my kids, it’s my house, my time….mine mine mine!

Wrong………

None of it’s mine. It all belongs to God. The question isn’t am I good with other peoples stuff? It’s am I responsible with God’s stuff or do I abuse it because I have this sense of entitlement to do as I wish with the things that are in my possession? Instead of allowing the thoughts of “it’s my stuff” dictate my actions, I need to change my thinking to, “it’s my responsibility”. It’s my responsibility to take care of these things in a way that is pleasing to God.

In order to combat this lie I have to attack it with truth.

The earth is the Lords and everything in it. The world and all it’s people belong to Him.
Psalm 24:1 (nlt)

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19&20 (nlt)

A Shift of Focus

My focus has changed. No more looking super hard at each individual problem in my life and trying to find the magic formula that will change them all and make them disappear. I have set my eyes on God.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
Matthew 6:33

With a new focus comes a new perspective. I keep my eyes on Him and all else fits. Things are hard still. Not everything is perfect, don't expect it to be. But it's worlds better than the way I handled things before. I now operate change in my life under His grace, His Truth, His love.

The Shack

While there is much controversy surrounding the recently popular book. I have decided to research this for myself. Most people I have talked to loooooooooove this book very few have had anything negative to say. In my search for truth behind this book, whether or not it would be healthy for me to read, I came across a blog by Tim Challies who has done his homework. He read the book and compared it to biblical truths. Something i think is necessary when exposing ourselves to a book of this nature. Although the book is classified as fiction there are many who have claimed their life and relationship with God is now different and made for the better. This concerns me. If the book is not speaking biblical based truth and it is changing Christians. I want to know why?? And could we possibly end up with a twisted view of the truth?


I have not read this book all the way through. And I don't plan to, therefore you will have to discern for yourselves whether or not you should read it and if you do decide to read it. You will have to discern truth from good story telling.





Second, we must also realize that, because of the emotional impact of reading good fiction, it can be easy to allow it to become manipulative and to allow the emotion of a moment to bypass our ability to discern what is true and what is not. This is another thing the reader must keep in mind. We cannot trust our laughter or our tears but must allow our powers of discernment to be trained to distinguish good from evil (see Hebrews 5:14). Discernment is primarily a Spirit-empowered discipline of the mind rather than an emotional response. -Tim Challies


Do I think that everyone who reads this book will end up with a new founded unbiblical view of God? No. Do I think that it was the authors intent to do anything but good? No. Do I think that an unguarded heart looking for answers outside of God's word can be harmful? Yes. And therefore i implore you to choose carefully the books you read, the people you listen to and the movies you watch and research them in depth. I do believe that some good can be found in this book but why find it in this book where so many other things can flood in with the good??

Before I end this post, I want to say that I do not pass any judgement against the author or those who choose to read it and love it. This is just my stand on the book and an encouragement to look a little deeper into what we allow into our minds.


*also a small note to the side. I did not completely agree full heartedly with all of what Tim Challies said in his review. Mainly the part on forgiveness I did not agree with.

Day 5

OK so i have to confess, this whole lesson on beauty is the most annoying thing to happen to my life since the lesson on patience. Which i am sure i will be revisiting on a regular basis.

Anyways yesterday i already gave in on the whole not eating fast food thing. Which made me angry and then I felt guilty. I watched myself spiral downward into feeling like a total failure. i know that i should allow myself more grace then that. Especially while I'm in the process of learning. I mean i would never punish my child for pronouncing words wrong while trying to learn to read. So why must i torment myself while trying to learn to appreciate my beauty....
It's that fine line between grace and making excuses for your behavior, punishing yourself and humble repentance.........

I read this book by Angela Thomas " Do you think I'm beautiful" and while it's an amazing book i have taken nothing away from it. I have learned that i am a surface reader. I read the words, I understand the words but i never let them fully penetrate my heart. i get emotional and tears fall down my face as i read the sentences and the possibilities that they hold for me but i quickly shut it all down. I ignore those feelings wipe the tears away thinking they produce weakness. All the while forgetting

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

I have recently gone back through the book and read a few chapters that have stood out to me determined to allow every word to sink in a wash out the stink. The first chapter was "Whispers of unbelief" Mine aren't whispers of unbelief it's more like screaming. But I'm sure it started out as whispers. But one thing that she said that stood out to me, that i actually allowed to sink in was this:

" We look into the mirror with our eyes. That is the problem. God does not see as we see. He never has. And we try to rationalize that he thinks and acts like us, but he does not. He is God."

It's such simple truth but so easily forgotten. God's eyes are filled with love, grace, compassion. His heart is for us.......for me.....yes for me.......he longs for intimacy with me. He finds me beautiful. As awkward and ugly as i feel some days He, the creator of all the universe, the one who has seen it all, finds me beautiful. I have never even come close to experiencing this from someone. I can't even begin to imagine the depths of His love for me..........I still doubt.........

"Why do we have such a hard time believing that God would look at an ordinary or disfigured woman, call her beautiful, and long for intimacy with her?"

"We struggle with unbelief because we insist on humanizing God. We have resolved that God must think and process the same ways we do. Essentially we have decided that God is not able, when in fact we are the ones who are not"

I'm just gonna meditate on this, praying for revelation.

Compassion

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Day 3

It's day 3 and i have been working on my "issues" OK let me start by explaining exactly what i am talking about. My insecurities have been growing since i was a little girl. I have constantly fought against what i was told and what i knew to be true. It's the whole " if you say it enough times about me it must be true" I never felt i was good enough.....for anything..... Cause no matter how hard i tried it was never good enough. So i stopped trying. It was too painful to try to succeed and KNOW that i never would. If i got 10 A's in school and a " C" the "C" was questioned. Why did i get the "C"??? I could never give an answer as i had done everything to try to get that "A" ugh as i write this i still feel like crying and that was over ten years ago. But it was things like that, that were said not once or twice but over and over again, year after year. The one thing i was always secure in was my sense of humor and knowing how to laugh and enjoy things that most never saw to be funny. (i learned this from my mom) It was one of the only things i had that i truly loved about myself. But then i got married.... to someone who hated my sense of humor and made me feel stupid for the things i found funny. This started new confusion and frustration. Everything that i was felt worthless. It was a lie and i know that now. But it's still rooted deeply in my heart. Affecting everything i touch. One of my biggest struggles is my weight. I don't feel I deserve to look any different. I feel as though it's vanity and i scold myself for wanted a slimmer figure. Forget the fact that i would hate it if lost weight and guys started taking interest.

OK so there is a small glimpse into the struggle i have been recently facing. My inward beauty and my outward beauty are demanding to be healed and restored back to what God had originally planned for me before the lies covered the truth. I am excited as this has been a long time coming but i know the path i have to take will be painful revealing more scars yet.

OK so back to where i started, it's day 3 and so far so good. I talked to this lady who was a smoker for 13 years and quit. She went on to explain that she would buy herself a new shirt instead of a pack of cigarettes, over time she felt better about herself and she had no desire to smoke anymore. She eventually bought herself a car and the car payment took over the money she used to spend on cigarettes every month. So now every time she wants to smoke she looks at her car and it's a constant reminder of how far she's come.

So i have done the same thing. Instead of fast food I have sponsored a compassion child. Her name is grace, she is 4 years old and lives in Ghana. Sponsoring grace has affected both myself and my girls. They pray for her every night and they are now more careful about what they ask for knowing that the more money we save the more kids we can sponsor. They know we are not eating fast food for 2 reasons. 1 because it's more money for kids in other countries and 2 because it's not healthy and our bodies really belong to God and we need to take care of them the best we can. I'm not able to go out and buy myself a whole bunch of really cute clothes with the money i save. Not yet anyways. I am sure that someday i will feel it's OK for me to do that but until then this will do. I am walking out what i know to be true. The fast food is one step, who knows i just might go crazy and start exercising!

My journey starts now

So lately I have come to realize I have issues. And that's not to say that i never thought i did. It's just that recently those issues have surfaced and are demanding to be dealt with. To no longer be shoved under the rug where they constantly pollute the woman i was meant to be. Out of site out of mind and damaging me beyond belief. The problem is i feel like i have no idea where to start. I can see the million miles in front of me that must be walked out. The road is filled with pot holes, distractions and large mountains. The exciting news is that at the end of the road is an amazing promise that is meant just for me. I have caught glimpses of this promise through out these past 2 years however i still have not come to grasp a full understanding that this can be mine free of guilt and shame. That i no longer have to punish myself when God has already said you are forgiven and a new creation in me.... Why can't I get this!! I find myself getting so frustrated. It reminds me of Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what i do. For what I want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do." I know what the bible says, I know those promises are mine, i know these things, but i do not KNOW them.

I recently confessed all of this to an amazing woman of God who has grasped this. She is a mighty warrior holding tight to all that God has called her to regardless of how she's feeling at that moment. She has made sure to tell me she still struggles and life happens to her too but she an inspiration to me. She makes acceptance of God's promises seem possible.

With the holy spirit, the prayer of those who i have shared my story with, and her wonderfully practical advise I plan to walk out these promises here on my blog. All the pain, frustration, real every day emotion that comes with letting God fix the broken hearted displayed for all to see. I have been really good at hidding everything from everyone including myself. I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to shed some light of the truth into the dark areas of my life and begin to walk this out daily one small step at a time, the whole time being guided by God and the people he has set around me to be a witness. There's accountability and support in sharing your walk with fellow believers. This will not be easy as i hate being vunerable and seen as weak (can we say prideful!!) But i believe this is going to affect all areas of my life as i begin to allow God in the areas i have kept him out of for so long. The way i run a ministry, the way i speak to others, the way i view myself, my personal beauty inside and out, the example i set before my kids will all be for the better.

I know that i am not the only one who struggles with this and my prayer is that as i make these steps and draw closer to God that other women would someday consider my story an inspiration and know that the ever loving heart of God is not only meant for them but possible for them to recieve. Well here goes!!! My journey starts now.

Longings of the Heart

Longings of the heart
Secret
Seeking to be known
Yearning to be found, to be heard, understood, validated
passion hides behind the wall of the heart
gasping for air searching for light
lost
fear arises
a mask worn to fool the world
safety with cost
undue sacrifice
silent suffering
deceit....
scars deepen
confusion, chaos
emotions rise
cut open
broken inside
healing lost behind shame
guilt
pain
Longings of the heart made to be set free

My mom

I just had to blog about my mom. Most of you know and love her. But she really truly does have to be one of the coolest women i know. Something about her makes me giddy excited when she comes around. I know i am about to have a good laugh and a great time when she's there.

Yesterday she came into the thrift store and usually Thursday and Fridays are my suck days cause the end of the week is here and i am now exhausted. But anyways she came into the store to bring me some fruit snacks for the girls.. She made to sure to tell me twice that they were for the girls ONLY. She had gone to the store and bought me a colander and the coolest metal salad bowl i had ever seen. It was so cool. Everyone thought it must be my birthday. Nope it's just another day and my mom loves me. She then pulls a roll of breath savers out of her pocket and lets me know that since i can't eat the fruit snacks she bought me those.... (is that a hint mom??!!) She just thought it would be funny to see the look on my face, she got me licorice too! (licorice looks so much better after receiving a roll of breath mints)
By the time she left i was on an emotional high.She made my day.

Let me tell you why she is so special......

Besides the gift thing, which she does all the time by the way, she taught me it's ok to laugh when i fall or make a mistake, everyone else is anyways might as well join them. She taught me kindness and sensitivity, she taught me to follow what was right no matter how i felt or what other people were doing. She taught me to find joy in ugly situations and that i am in charge of how i feel about things. My attitude my choice. She is a quiet listener and doesn't give too much advise but she hears and empathizes with every word. She is genuine, honest, caring, thoughtful and CRAZY!! Life is never dull or boring when she is around. She makes trips to the doctors office the most fun i have ever had. I have never giggled harder than i have with her, i have never smiled as often as i do with her, i have never felt so safe, loved and at home as i do with her. God has blessed me with an amazing mom and i am so grateful to her for the woman that she has helped me become.