My journey starts now

So lately I have come to realize I have issues. And that's not to say that i never thought i did. It's just that recently those issues have surfaced and are demanding to be dealt with. To no longer be shoved under the rug where they constantly pollute the woman i was meant to be. Out of site out of mind and damaging me beyond belief. The problem is i feel like i have no idea where to start. I can see the million miles in front of me that must be walked out. The road is filled with pot holes, distractions and large mountains. The exciting news is that at the end of the road is an amazing promise that is meant just for me. I have caught glimpses of this promise through out these past 2 years however i still have not come to grasp a full understanding that this can be mine free of guilt and shame. That i no longer have to punish myself when God has already said you are forgiven and a new creation in me.... Why can't I get this!! I find myself getting so frustrated. It reminds me of Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what i do. For what I want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do." I know what the bible says, I know those promises are mine, i know these things, but i do not KNOW them.

I recently confessed all of this to an amazing woman of God who has grasped this. She is a mighty warrior holding tight to all that God has called her to regardless of how she's feeling at that moment. She has made sure to tell me she still struggles and life happens to her too but she an inspiration to me. She makes acceptance of God's promises seem possible.

With the holy spirit, the prayer of those who i have shared my story with, and her wonderfully practical advise I plan to walk out these promises here on my blog. All the pain, frustration, real every day emotion that comes with letting God fix the broken hearted displayed for all to see. I have been really good at hidding everything from everyone including myself. I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to shed some light of the truth into the dark areas of my life and begin to walk this out daily one small step at a time, the whole time being guided by God and the people he has set around me to be a witness. There's accountability and support in sharing your walk with fellow believers. This will not be easy as i hate being vunerable and seen as weak (can we say prideful!!) But i believe this is going to affect all areas of my life as i begin to allow God in the areas i have kept him out of for so long. The way i run a ministry, the way i speak to others, the way i view myself, my personal beauty inside and out, the example i set before my kids will all be for the better.

I know that i am not the only one who struggles with this and my prayer is that as i make these steps and draw closer to God that other women would someday consider my story an inspiration and know that the ever loving heart of God is not only meant for them but possible for them to recieve. Well here goes!!! My journey starts now.